When Sequels Suck: TMNT 3
We all have our regrets.
“I lost my hope for the world when I saw the sequel to The NeverEnding Story.”
There’s a bit of hyperbole mixed into the honest sentiment of that quote, something a friend of mine said on a Messenger thread recently. Did he really lose all hope for the world back then, a nine-year-old pessimist, because the sequel to a movie he cherished sucked? Well … maybe. Kids don’t know any better. The smallest infraction to them, an otherwise inconsequential event to an adult, could throw the balance of their existence into a tailspin. Once, my daughter snapped off a leg on one of her plastic horses, and she lost her damn mind over it. For five arduous minutes, she did the kind of hard crying that produces streams of snot overflows and hyperventilating. Sweet mother. A speck of Gorilla Glue resolved the situation. POOF! Her world was made right again.
It was a ridiculous thing that my friend said during our chat, in reference to something completely unrelated to The NeverEnding Story, but I understood exactly where he was coming from. Perhaps, you do, too. Have you ever been so stoked to see the sequel to a movie you absolutely love only to have your heartbroken by it? The Star Wars franchise has honey-dicked me a couple of times between the Prequel and Sequel Trilogies. The failures of those recent sequels had a significantly weaker sting to them because of the thick scarring on my heart from the disasterous Phantom Menace. I thought that movie was going to be the greatest thing I’d ever seen. Ha! Fooled by the dark side I was. However, I love the totality of the Star War universe content that’s come out beyond the cinematic scope of the Skywalker saga since the Prequel Trilogy — the Clone Wars and Rebels animated series, and Rogue One — has actually improved them (maybe The Mandalorian and whatever else comes out pre-First Order era can do the same for the Sequel Trilogy). But I do remember the first time I ever had my heartbroken by a movie sequel. That was when I went to go see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.
The Turtles dominated kiddie pop culture and the mainstream during the late 80s and early 90s with toys, cereal, and branding on everything from bed sheets to lunchboxes to underwear. They even had their own touring rock band. My deep condolences to all those folks who were there to witness that. The original animated series that debuted in 1987 became one of the most popular in TV history by the time its run ended in 1996. If you are an elder Millennial of the Oregon Trail era, like I am, than you’re no doubt familiar with this phenomenon. You may have even been sucked into the TMNT fandom. Shit, my younger brother and I were among the millions of dweeb loyalists who helped make Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie the highest grossing independent film ever, at that point in history. We were Turtlecore to the shell! COW-A-FUCKING-BUNGA! So when I saw that dumpster fire third movie with the rubber-suited turtles, my damn heart shattered, and I lost all hope for the world.
